I'm feeling a bit better but I'm still not in the best shape. Yesterday, on my way home, I was thinking that no matter what I do, I can't change what's happening around me. God gave everyone free will so no matter how much we plan and hope, if people around us choose to make bad decisions, we can't change that. What I CAN change is my attitude--how I'm going to deal with this trial in my life. It's mighty hard but I know God is bigger than this problem and I know, like my dad said, that no matter what happens, God's will will always prevail.

It's just really disheartening. You love a person with all your heart, always forgiving and always forgetting, always choosing not to look at the faults, instead dwelling on all the good things, on blood, on ties that bind. Always protecting, always encouraging. But again you are disappointed about the choices they make. I love this person still, with my whole heart, and I know I will never stop loving her. But somehow, I don't know. I feel like an outsider in my own home. I feel like an accident, as if I'm just someone she has to love by default, because I'm her daughter. I know that she's made supreme sacrifices while I was growing up, I know I owe my life to her and I do love her, but why do I feel like I'm not part of my own family anymore?

One thing's for sure. Now, more than ever, I appreciate God, because no matter what happens and no matter how rotten I've been in the past, He never left, He's always here, even when I was the one who treated Him like an outsider before.

Thank you, Lord. I love you. You are my family.