So this is how this feels

My grandfather died today.

I have gone through life, not knowing how it feels to lose someone close to you, someone you love. I didn't know it would feel like this. While I am grateful to God for making a way for me to be able to spend quality time with him these last six months of his life, I feel some regret. I wish I'd hugged him harder, kissed him more, told him straight out that I loved him last Tuesday when I last saw him. He wasn't feeling well then and I even jokingly told him not to eat dinuguan anymore because my lola said that caused him to feel sick and caused his hand to swell. I told him, "Papa, magpagaling kayo ha?" and he characteristically replies, "Sana." I didn't think that would be our last conversation. I know that he knows that I love him with all my heart and I rest in that thought. I just wish I had given more effort that last Tuesday, not for him (because I know that he can see me now and I know he knows how much I love him) but for me because I'm going to miss him terribly.

My Papa Rody is the one of the kindest men I've ever met. Even growing up, I've always been a little scared of my Mama Letty kasi medyo mataray siya (like me), but my Papa was always gentle, always worrying about us, if we were okay, if we were safe, if we were eating right. He would constantly ask me if there was someone courting me na. He loved listening to my stories and I loved making him laugh. I loved telling him about God and I loved answering his questions about God. Until now, he worries about my dad, his eldest son. He would worry if my dad sounded sick over the phone. He would worry if my dad showed any hint of loneliness or weakness because he was scared that my dad would go back to his old ways. I always assured him that my dad wouldn't because once you get to know the Lord, you will never be the same again. He said once before, pwede na daw siya mamatay kasi alam niya lahat ng anak niya okay na.

He was just so kind -- he would drive me every morning for the last six months to the sakayan, he would call everytime I would forget to inform him what time I would be home, he always worried that I might be hungry, he always was so happy at the thought of being able to spend time with family -- me, Tita Menchi and my cousins, Tito Jun, Tita Arlene and Denise. Until now, he would be so proud of my lola, for looking the way she is. He would always tell me nagmellow na si Mama talaga. He loved my Mama very much.

Papa, I love you and I'm going to miss you so much. Thank you for being the best grandfather.